36 Weeks Pregnant!
36 weeks pregnant with baby number two! The end is truly in sight, in two and a half weeks I will be induced/c-sectioned and this baby will be out in the real world. My anxiety is much reduced in the past weeks, despite all the complications remaining the same. I think in some ways I have started detaching a bit from the pregnancy complications - maybe sometimes you lose so much control over things that you just cease to care anymore (at least a little bit?). Plus I am getting pretty good now at noticing when I get into negative thought patterns and fixing it before it spirals out of control.
My thoughts are now turning to labour, delivery, postpartum recovery, what the baby will be like, coping with lack of sleep, how Molly will react to the new baby, etc. I'm excited to meet the baby, and I watched some videos of us with Molly when she was tiny and was getting emotional remembering how cute she was wrapped in a huge towel after her bath, how she moved her arms, the little noises she made, and her angry faces while being burped. Haha!
I've been working on what my therapist calls "shining the spotlight on the positives". When she first explained it to me, I will be honest that I couldn't immediately think of a single positive (admittedly, I was in a bad mental place at that moment). Watching those baby videos really helped me to focus on the beauty of having a baby. Actually, watching a video of Jason making a 2 week old Molly dance made me cry - watching him become a dad is something that will be special and emotional to me forever.
Taking the photographs above is another attempt at shining the spotlight on the positives of pregnancy. Our doctor told me yesterday to "enjoy the last few weeks of pregnancy if you can" and I looked at him totally blankly. What is he even talking about?
Being mostly housebound and feeling like my body is constantly failing me/hurting has led to some less-than-attractive maternity fashion moments (massive understatement, hahaha). I've spent most of the last 8 months in grubby clothes and grubby hair with no make-up. But I knew I would regret not documenting my growing baby belly more, once it's gone. So today I blow dried my hair and swiped on a tiny bit of make-up, and put on real pants (with extreme effort... couldn't manage socks so my feet got cropped out haha) and took a couple pictures.
In a way it seems hilarious to me, like "who IS this happy pregnant woman??!", but in another way, I know that a huge part of me is so relieved that it looks like baby and I will make it through this pregnancy. I'm grateful that despite everything that went wrong, the baby is still kicking, and so am I. We've come a long way from the horrible phone call with the midwife where she explained to me that if I went to the hospital, go straight to ER, not labour and delivery, because the baby was too little to try and save.
So here I am. 36 weeks. We are almost through all the vomiting, morning sickness, endless doctor appointments, bleeding, cramping, pain, sleepless nights, anxiety, walking with a cane, tears, ultrasounds, insulin shots. I'm going to try and spend the next two weeks looking forward to tiny babies in huge towels, watching Molly meet her brother, and snuggling this little guy. And I will be grateful for what has gone right (like modern maternal medicine, being married to the best husband ever, an amazing mom and in-laws, living minutes from one of the best hospitals in the country if you happen to have a high risk pregnancy, and Finnegan and Molly just because they are great).
And that's what I want to remember when I look at these pictures. I want to remember that a part of me is grateful and relieved and proud of making it through and being strong and knowing I did everything I could for this baby.