Kitty Barge

My cat is 23 years old. She was always kind of lazy and a bit dumb but adorable. She can do that Puss-In-Boots Cute Cat look from Shrek at the whiff of a piece of bacon. But as she got older she has gotten more and more complacent and less and less willing to climb up to where she wants to be. Classic cat tricks she tries include one-sided staring contests, mewling and staring, toe-licking and staring, breathing heavily and staring, book nudging and staring, lowering her eyelids to half mast and staring, rolling her eyes up in her head and staring, purposely falling off the couch, purposely falling off the couch and then staring, and purposely falling off the couch, then half-heartedly trying to get back on the couch followed by some staring and mewling at random intervals.

As you can tell, I am on to her tricks. And at night, if for some reason you should not want her to play cave-animal-staring-toe-hunter in your bed and shut her out of your room, she will scratch at your door and shriek pitifully.

I've built up some equally tricky moves to combat this.

During the day I let her climb from the couch onto our foot rest/kitty barge and use my foot to push her from one chair to another, which she seems to enjoy despite being completely startled each and every time the barge moves (as previously mentioned, she's not that smart).

At night I sometimes open my door, run through the house (so she chases me, gets confused and lost and forgets to come back) and then come back and slam my door. Or failing that (for instance, running away from a cat doesn't make you look that sophisticated so I don't use this move with witnesses present) I open someone elses bedroom door and scarper.

I'm not afraid of her, it's just that there is something demoralizing and a bit shameful about 23 years of lost staring contests.