To celebrate summer, here are my best tips on complete and utter wave mastery.
- Scream "Wave Hunter, GODDESS/GOD OF THE TURBULENT SEA" into the water right before you are submerged.
- If a wave breaks just as it reaches you, turn and fling your arms after it like Merlin casting a spell and then give yourself a firm pat on the back for controlling the waves and when they can and cannot break.
- Do not go under the wave and allow it to keep you down. If this happens, try to swallow as much wave as possible, just to spite it.
- If a wave knocks you down and you do a face flop (this is when it slaps you in the face and it feels like you got hit in the cheek by a small rocket in the two seconds you have to feel pain before you go under and have to concentrate on which way is up), use the last of your breath to yell "HA!", because that will tell the wave that it is merely falling into your wickedly woven wishes.
- Finally, when you wash up on shore filled with the sudden understanding of why seaweed is so floppy and the suspicion that clumps of seaweed were once innocent Wave Hunters that have been battered into green goop, give the water a few good kicks to remind it that you are still in control.