Sometimes I'm Ashamed of My Food Purchases

You know when you go to the grocery store hungry? Then you buy food that you didn't necessarily even want, just because evil grocery store gremlins pulled you into the cookie aisle and threw Oreos into your cart? Or because your stomach felt like it was going to start consuming other vital organs if you didn't buy enough food for 20 teenagers? Then you get to the cash register and start loading your purchases onto the conveyor belt and you realize that other people can see what you are buying. I don't know why this always surprises me.

Usually, in my bachelorette existence, it's an extremely eligible and very attractive guy who happens to be only purchasing lean ground beef and lettuce or some garbage like that.

This is about when I start to frantically search through my basket for some reasonably healthy items to slap onto the conveyor. Chicken? I. HAVE. CHICKEN!!! Ha! And, ohhhhh yeah! THREE apples! And... uhhh...

Corn chips.

Don't try to hide the guilty items in the basket until there are no witnesses. Without fail, that will cause one of two things to happen.

  1. Sudden black hole sucks all the store's shopping baskets into non-existence, causing someone to come up and ask you for yours, since all it is holding is a bag of jelly beans and a 6-Pack of Pepsi.  This will only make it obvious you were trying to hide things.
  2. The Cashier will notice and maliciously comment loudly on every item, holding the most offensive ones (Marshmallows? Maraschino Cherries?) and waving them about wildly while talking about things you don't care about like your high risk of diabetes-induced blindness.

You can try to claim it's for a party--but don't. It only makes you seem defensive and like a huge cliché.

The two best solutions I have come up with so far are to ignore the raised eyebrows, smile weakly and pretend like you have no idea what you just put on the conveyor, or--

Run Away.

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