Slush Jumping: What You Need To Know To Survive
Downtown Toronto has got to be the slushiest place in the world in January and February. Multiple truckloads of snow, immediately trampled by thousands of warm-footed business people? That snow has zero chances of staying snowy for long. Instead, it becomes slush and slithers it's way into the street corners where most people stand on the curb and look down in dismay at the slush lake between them and the other street corner crossing.
You'll notice I said "MOST PEOPLE". Some other people are Slush Jumpers. Are you equipped with tall rain boots? Bare feet? The warmest, water-proofiest boots ever? You are about to have the most fun you can have when surrounded by people in $2000 suits.
The "I Am Jumping In Slush!" Route This method is best done when you are not surrounded by people because you will look like a huge jerk when you splash muddy water up someone's skirt. The most important thing to know is that the person jumping in slush has the least to worry about because the science of splashing usually dictates that the slush will fly away from your legs (See: illustration). This leaves you clean and dry, with the exception of your foot. When doing it this way, feel free to take a running start, throw one leg behind you, and wear expressions of extreme glee as you hit down in the slushy pool! Recommended but optional? Get out of that slush before it sinks through your waterproof shoes.
The 'Surrounded-But-Determined' Route Are you surrounded by office folk? Ditch the running start and the gleeful expression. This will only get you in trouble. My usual approach in situations like this is to start making concerned faces down at the slush, and sometimes sounds like "Uh-oh" and "Hmph". Look down worriedly at your boots and then ready yourself as if to try and leap over the slush. People around you are probably going to veer right and left around the puddle so don't worry too much about splashing them. When the light changes, go straight into a not-so-long jump. Important: KEEP THE WORRIED EXPRESSION. When you land, throw one leg back (this saves that leg from being slushed) and land as normal but feel free to curse creatively. Example: "You soul-stealing, heart-crushing, mealy-faced slush! I curse you! AAAAAUGH!"
The 'Please Don't Slush Me' Route Maybe before today you didn't recognize that you were surrounded by Slush Jumpers all the time. But now you know. Do they have no shoes? Or amazing boots? Are they making concerned noises? Do they look like they are going to try and leap over this impossible-to-cross pile of slush? Pull out your cell and pretend you didn't realize the light changed until they are finished jumping. Or slush them first.