Failing at Sleeping
I am terrible at sleeping. I either go too long or too short. I can never find that sweet spot between drooling and dry leather tongue. If I hear any noise, instead of waking up, I talk to it (EMBARRASSING.) I never achieve cute bedhead. Instead, I wake up with a lions mane on one side of my head and strands of spaghetti on the other. I am always either too hot or too cold.
I groan about going to bed and I wake up in a rage at the universe. I actually wake up every single day frowning and it lasts for half an hour. I know because by the time I look in the mirror, I have huge red frown creases from the furrows between my eyebrows that are NOT going to age well. It doesn't seem fair, since I am usually cheerful but I am going to age looking like I spent 20 years scowling at everyone.
It's well known that if I fall asleep in public (on transit or in a car) I wake up with a gasp louder than a scream for no reason at all. This is usually terrifying to everyone in the vicinity. I usually point to the nearest other sleeping passenger when this happens and chuckle loudly as if to say "Oh, that guy... he made a weird noise, but let's forgive him and laugh it off, shall we?"
At home I have been known to assume that any noise I hear is my alarm clock. So I get up and turn it off, shower, and am infuriated to realize it's only 2:30am when I get back to my bed.
I also frequently sleep in the shape of a star. Not cool for sharing the bed.
One night at the cottage I woke up and needed to to use the washroom. It was pitch black so I was feeling my way through the living room. I fell asleep standing and holding a chair, woke up and had no clue where I was or why I was standing. In feeling around again to find where I was a found a drill battery that was charging on the table.
I then promptly fell asleep again.
When I woke up, I had no idea where I was or why I was holding a drill battery so I felt around until I found the kitchen and put the drill battery down and then picked up a glass and promptly fell asleep. Repeat this a couple times. In the morning, I woke to the sounds of my mom asking who had moved everything in the cottage around in the middle of the night, since nothing was in it's correct spot. It took me half a day to remember that I woke up at some point holding the drill battery.
I know what you are thinking. Jay has his work cut out for him. And it's true. Good thing he's the exceedingly patient sort.