How Things Are Going #4
Summer is slipping by like waves through my toes... and that's okay, although it makes me feel a bit sad. Every summer feels like this, although now that I have Molly it's more bittersweet than ever. People are always like "They are only this young once" and I am like "GAH STOP TELLING ME, I KNOOOOOOOOOOOW". She just feels so great and perfect right now. Grabbing her little toes and stuffing them in her mouth, blowing raspberries at everything, and chuckling when I pretend to eat her chubby little legs. She is rolling over, eating (super small amounts of) veggies, and chattering away all the time.
Motherhood is settling on me. Enough that I can begin to see the kind of mother I will be. You would maybe think I would have been able to guess at that before? But no. I see more of my own mom coming out every day (and my dad!). I like seeing the transformation in Jay, too. He may not see it yet, but we are hitting our groove. And it feels good.
I've stopped breastfeeding. My emotions about this were so complex. I really do feel like breastfeeding is the best option, for most babies. But sometimes things don't work out exactly the way we would like. I think the hardest thing wasn't the actual decision to stop so much as coming to grips that I can't control and make perfect every single thing that happens in Molly's life. I guess I knew that, but it seemed like I should be able to achieve perfection at least while she was a baby? I don't know... does this only happen with your first baby? Or will I struggle with this if I have future kids, too? I mean... I know there are so many smaller (daily mistakes) and larger (big events like divorce and illness and death) that change the paths of our babies lives, and that not breastfeeding an entire year is nowhere near the worst on that sliding scale of events. I guess there is a kind of guilt that comes with parenting through those events... guilt that we in some way might have marred our kids futures? I am trying to let that go. I feel like letting that go might be a lifelong battle, though.
On a purely personal level, stopping breastfeeding feels GREAT. I feel much more myself. I am free of my non-stop obsessing over milk supply and pumping routine. I feel lighter and happier. We never had that bonding people talk about from breastfeeding, so I don't miss that. It's also nice to not be washing the pump all day, or taking all the milk-boosting pills, or timing my entire life around it.
I'm back to teaching occasionally at Needlework (which is so fun! I missed Liz, Kate, and teaching so much!). I spent two weeks at the cottage being spoiled by my mom and my aunt. I have been knitting all the time, and finished another sweater for Molly (do you use Ravelry? My account is here). I can't wait to try knitting with multiple colours and cables.
I've also been pouring tons of time into sorting through the photos on my computer and finding a way to share them with a limited group (mostly family). The goal is to have them all sorted and tagged on my computer, and then to be uploading them to a secure, password protected site which would hold all family photos (new and scanned ones as I do them) and videos. You would think there would be an easy way to do this but... no. I've finally settled on Picasa for my desktop and Piwigo for the web part, but they don't talk to each other so I am re-tagging everything that goes onto Piwigo manually (which is so time consuming and awful. Gah). Does anyone have a system that works for them? I would love to hear about it! I've already tried Flickr, DigiKam, Google Photos, iPhoto, Apple Photos, Picasa web, Squarespace (which is how this blog is hosted) and Facebook and rejected them all for various reasons.