Jay and I celebrated one year of marriage on Sunday night! My mom and my Uncle Andy took Molly for the evening (and a whole truckload of her stuff) so that Jay and I could go to dinner. We went to Blu, which is in Yorkville (in Toronto) and ate SO much and it was delicious (and they handled the gluten free thing wonderfully!). We even managed to mostly discuss things other than Molly! Yay! We also spent lots of time reminiscing about our first dates (because most of them were in Toronto!).
Our first year of marriage has been full of ups and downs, but I feel like we have come through stronger than ever (if a bit shell shocked... having a baby is no walk in the park!) I feel so grateful to have Jay... he has done everything possible to support me this year, and is still being the most understanding and patient man while faced with night feedings, piles of laundry and dishes, and a sometimes hysterical wife/baby.
I love you, Jay!
Today Molly is three months old! Which means... she is officially out of the fourth trimester (what they call the first few months, when you try to create a "womb-like" atmosphere by swaddling, rocking, etc). She has definitely been blossoming the last month. She's reaching for more toys, trying to hold her head up on her own, having coo-ing conversations with me, smiling at everything, and eating her fists! She's turning into a pretty happy and chill baby, which is GREAT! (She has her trying moments, as all babies do, of course!).
We have gone through some breastfeeding struggles in the last month. I was paranoid that I was losing my milk, so we went to a lactation consultant who confirmed it. I had a few pretty bad days where I tried EVERYTHING to boost my milk supply, while mostly crying and feeling terrible for not knowing my baby was basically starving. We started giving Molly formula in addition to my milk. Then it turned out, when I mentioned this on facebook that, um, pretty much every mother I know has been through something similar?
I'm in a better place about it now. Sometimes it's all just about adjusting your expectations for what you thought things would be like to what the new normal is. Which definitely didn't happen straight away, but I am slowly getting there! Instead of feeling anger and guilt for having to pump and feed formula (which frankly, most of that pressure comes from society right now... people do NOT make it easy for new moms to do anything but breastfeed!), I am focusing on the positives. That means setting up a "pumping station" in our living room with Molly and a bunch of activities (weaving, iPad, embroidery) within easy reach, instead of thinking of pumping as a waste of time. It means seeing formula as a blessing that is helping our baby grow and get stronger, instead of as a sub-par food choice. It means letting go of my expectations of a perfect breastfeeding experience where we develop this beautiful bond and accepting that I can find that in other ways, like wearing her in a wrap, snuggling while we feed her bottles, and making her laugh and smile. I really hope that any of you other moms who are struggling through something like this know that it happens way more often than you think, and you can email me any time for emotional support! All of the moms who messaged and emailed me while I was feeling terrible made a huge difference in how I feel about this today! Thank you, ladies, you are amazing!!!
Besides the nursing struggles, motherhood is actually turning out to be amazing! I love Molly so much and am happy to spend my days cooing back at her, singing songs while changing diapers, snuggling in bed, and making her toys talk to her and snuffle her face. I love seeing her little personality start to develop. Strangers in public always tell me "enjoy these days, because soon she will be a kid and you will miss when she stayed where you put her!".... but I think I will love that stage, too! I just can't WAIT to see who she turns out to be! I just want to hear her tell me terrible knock knock jokes that don't make sense, and show her art and math and reading, and tickle her and actually get a response! But at the same time... I really do think I am enjoying these days to the fullest. That's why I feel fine ignoring all my emails and just staring at her while she figures out that she has hands, and can use them to touch things.