How Things Are Going #6

As most (all?) of you know, I am struggling. First, I just felt lots of self pity. Then, I assumed it was all kinds of terrible things. (For three measly sentences, let me tell you, that process took MONTHS.) Then, I went to a psychologist. She asked me if there is anyone in my family with seasonal depression. I said "Well, me, maybe. I sometimes have to sit in a UV lamp in the winter."

Carefully Worn & Giving Things Your All

Have you ever been compelled to pour enormous amounts of work into something for no gain? There is only a hope, here, that other people care as much as I do, that they will listen and not judge me for caring for people, for wanting my friends small local businesses to succeed, for wanting to leave the earth a better place than I found it for the generation that inherits it from us. There is also a hope that people who care will share my work and maybe I will reach more people and that together we can make such a bigger impact than I can achieve alone. 

How Things Are Going #5

Some days I think about how I am portraying my life to Molly. She is too little to understand much yet, but I want so many things for her, and one of those things is to see how our attitude towards life changes EVERYTHING about it. Some days I look at my own mom and am just so ridiculously fricking impressed and also so overwhelmed because her shoes are so so hard to fill. 

The Loss of Happiness

I consider myself a fairly happy person. I think other people also see me this way. In many ways, over time, my sense of value and confidence has become tied to my happiness. I attribute many things (my marriage, my friendships, job opportunities, etc) to my personality and the fact that I usually have a positive outlook and am "fun". I often feel that if I am not happy, people will not want to be around me and will stop wanting to be my friends.

Manifesting my Dream of Us

I have a pretty clear vision of what I want my life with Jay to be like. Sometimes it seems so far away and sometimes I realize I basically have it all. Some parts of it are a constant struggle and some parts come as easy as flopping back onto your bed with a huge sigh. 

I want our relationship to be strong. We are different but we are also uniquely suited to each other. I keep things fun and he makes sure we have a house to have fun in. But it's more than that. I want us to grow together. So that when our kids have grown and gone, we still want to go out every day and have fun and adventures. When we are sixty, I still want to be bursting to tell him all about my day when we sit down for dinner. 

Give Me All The Crafts Please

I learned how to knit! Well actually, my mom taught me the basics when I was a kid (it didn't stick), and then my friend Cathy (she just opened a spinning pop-up shop in my fave yarn store) taught me again while I was pregnant but now I am really actually knitting! 

It has been pointed out to me by a few people lately that I apparently have a reputation for being able to pick up new skills quite quickly. I feel like this makes me sound kind of obnoxious? Especially because the reality involves me sometimes throwing the knitting across the room in a fit of rage. It makes me feel like maybe I should pretend to be bad at things so that people don't hate me. But I can't do that because I want to love what I am making, even though everything I have knitted so far has had huge chunks ripped out or is just living with it's flaws (Molly doesn't care if I knitted when I should have purled!)

Happy 32nd Birthday to Me!

I turn 32 on Sunday! 32 feels like a good birthday. I remember looking at my 32 year old friends when I was 25 or so and thinking "They have their lives together! 32 looks great!". Not so sure my life is necessarily "together", but it's not boring, anyways!